Emotions
by Shadow Rise
Summary: Chap. 5: Why was remembering so important? 'So you know they're real! So you know you aren't crazy' She rather thought that ship had sailed, however, when she began conversing with thin air... She was crazy. She'd finally lost her mind.
1. Nostalgia

Alena Valentine

_**Emotions**_

**Nostalgia**

"Carth?"

He looked up at her face, his face covered in a lovely "tact caught in the headlights" expression.

"What'd you need?"

Evie quirked an eyebrow at him as she regarded him over her left shoulder. "Why are you staring at me?"

"I'm not _staring_…"

"Yes you are, flyboy," she replied quietly, turning to stare back out her bunker window. "You don't have to have super-sensitive Jedi powers to tell that you've been staring at my back since you and Canderous changed shifts."

He sighed then, obviously admitting defeat. She smiled to herself a bit, continuing her perusal of the stars outside her window.

"You're right, I guess." He sighed. "I'm not doing it on purpose. I jus wondered if you were doing alright. Bastila said you were kind of out of it since… since Taris. And Zalbaar mentioned Mission has been really quiet lately. So, I was wondering if you're alright?"

She turned fully away from her window to face him now, her eyes serious and somber.

"No, Onasi," she replied, "I am definitely _not_ okay right now."

Evie had had her arms wrapped around her knees when she'd been staring out the window, but now they were by her sides, her hands clutching the edge of her mattress tightly.

"Ever since I was little," she began, staring at her bare feet, "I've been trying to find something constant."

She took a deep, slow breath, trying not to cry in front of him. Trying not to cry, _period_, actually. Soldiers didn't cry.

"My father was a soldier. For the Republic, of course. And my mother was a nurse in one of the facilities on one of the Republic's ships. They met once, when Dad blew himself up trying to disarm a frag mine. He was in Demolitions, of course…" she took a breath, calming her emotions. "They fell for each other, a classic love story. Married after Exar Kun was defeated and then moved off to Deralia, where they had me five years later."

Carth sat across from her on Mission's bed, looking surprisingly interested in her story. She wasn't sure why she was telling him this now, here in the bunker she shared with Mission and Bastila, whilst she wore her under clothes as pajamas. Especially since he'd only asked if she was okay, assuming it was her first time watching a planet explode. She didn't know why, but she was.

"When I was younger, my father used to say I could talk a Wookie out of its fur," she continued, shaky laughter bubbling forward, "which is funny, because I'd never seen a Wookie before in my life! But, I now have that opportunity everyday.

"I was seven when my father was killed. Felled by the blade of a Sith. Mom was beside herself with grief. I remember hearing her crying herself to sleep for the longest time… She raised me by herself from then until I was fourteen, when she died of Affliceria.

"I made my way from then on by myself. I worked in the kitchens of a local cantina and lived in one of the adjacent apartment complexes. It wasn't that bad of a situation, considering the circumstances.

"About four years after my mother died, there were a couple of Republic recruiters that came to Deralia. They glorified the work of the Republic, trying to build up their numbers for some new threat. There had been rumors that had even spread to my small homeworld of brutal gladiators that slaughtered worlds at a time. They were determined to be prepared this time around.

"I'd been on my own, scrounging and scraping, for _four years_. I wanted something better. So I followed in my father's footsteps and became a soldier. Ever since, I've been through training, numerous missions, and my own fair share of battles, having joined up three years before the Mandalorian Wars officially began.

"But the lifestyle of a soldier is ever-changing one… And I just seem to be finding myself wanting something a bit more… stable. I want to get out of the Republic's ranks, find some back-water planet, and live in peace."

She looked up from her knuckles to Carth's face. He seemed to be taking in all the new information she'd divulged quite slowly. That or he was trying to think of something to say. She decided to make the decision for him.

"Taris seemed like a good place to be forgotten," she murmured, "but I was mistaken. The more I learned about the planet, the more I hated it… I just couldn't stand all that pain and suffering. The Outcasts, Dia, those children in the Lower City…

"They're all gone, Carth. Every last one of them. I tried so _hard_, _so hard_, to help them. To make life a bit easier for these people… And now they're gone. Just that quick. They're all just… gone." She sighed, feeling the first tear roll down her cheek.

Evie heard Carth shift uneasily on Mission's bed and let another sigh. She should've known better than to reveal so much of her history to him in such a short amount of time… She just barely knew anything about him…

"I'm sorry," she apologized, "I've made you uncomfortable, haven't I?"

He gave her half a smile, shaking his head. "No, beautiful, not at all."

Just then, she heard a commotion coming from the main hull. It was coming closer to the bunker every second, making Evie more than a little bit nervous. She could just barely recognize Bastila's voice.

"You'd better get back to your bunker, Carth," she murmured, "Mission will have a field day if she catches you in here with me only in my skivvies."

He smiled and nodded his agreement. "You're right. A scandal on the Ebon Hawk!"

She gave him a full smile for the first time since they'd escaped Taris. "Thanks for listening to me, flyboy."

"You listen to me just as much, gorgeous, might as well return the favor." He gave a shrug and quietly slipped out of the girl's sleeping quarters.

Eve chewed her bottom lip in thought, pulling her blanket up over her chin. She worried briefly over whether or not she should've disclosed so much personal information to the pilot before deciding it couldn't have hurt anything. She'd only told him about her early life, living on Deralia. He'd revealed much less than that small tidbit of information about himself in their weeks on Taris.

She was pulled from her thoughts as Bastila and Mission entered. Bastila readied herself for bed quickly, falling asleep without delay. Mission, on the other hand, lay in the bed across from Eve with a few silent tears trickling down from her pretty indigo eyes.

Evie felt a tug at her heartstrings. Fourteen years old and all alone in the world… She knew how that felt… She turned on her side to look at the girl.

"Mission?" It was a soft whisper. She didn't want Bastila to wake.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna talk?"

"Not right now, Evie…" A soft, sad little gasp came from her lips. "Maybe tomorrow."

"Okay, kiddo… Whenever."

And, for once, Mission didn't fuss about being called a kid. Eve sighed, tugging her hair down from its ponytail and laid back on her bed.

Sleep didn't come easily that night for her, or the next.


	2. Grief

Alena Valentine

_**Emotions**_

_**Grief**_

Evie awoke with a start, sitting up in her bunk. Darkness was all around. She sighed as she realized it must be very early in the morning. She brushed her hand across her forehead, feeling the warm, sticky moisture gathered there transfer to her fingertips.

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed wearily, tugging the sheet up around her torso to cover her bare flesh from view. Of course, she usually didn't sleep in the nude, but she hadn't been sleeping well for the past two nights. It was as though the closer their ragtag group came to Dantooine, the worse her sleep became. She'd been awaking in a fevered state every night.

Evie stepped gently as she walked by Mission's bed; the young twi'lek had finally started to rest easy tonight and Eve would have hated to disturb her much-needed slumber. Mission had finally opened up to her earlier that day, explaining how Taris had always been her _home_, though she'd never had an apartment or slept in the same place two nights in a row. But she and Zalbaar had always made due. They took care of each other.

Eve smiled at that, realizing just _how much_ she had in common with the youngest member of their crew. Though she'd never had anyone other than Valen (her landlord and boss at the cantina), Evie had always "made due" with what she had.

She tugged her sheet up a bit higher over her bosom, letting the back of her makeshift dress fall a bit to let the air cool her back. _Frak_, was it hot! She stealthily made her way to the 'fresher, reminding herself of the two human males that inhabited the ship.

The 'fresher was, of course, located off the central hull of the ship, much too close to the cockpit and the hangar for Eve's tastes. Especially when she could hear Canderous fiddling with something on the workbench, as well as Carth shifting restlessly in his pilot chair. She stepped into the 'fresher quietly, closing the door behind her. Last thing she needed was for Canderous to bust in and possibly catch a peak.

She stood in front of the sink, staring worriedly at her reflection. She definitely wasn't looking in the pink these days, her usually silky hair was lank and lifeless and her eyes had heavy bags under them.

She was beginning to feel like her mind was slipping. She'd dreamt of a gruesome battle that night, bodies everywhere around and so much _pain_… It wasn't so odd, really, considering that she was a soldier and she had seen plenty of combat. The thing was, she'd never been stationed on Malachor V before. Eve sighed, turning the water on with the twist of a knob. She splashed some of it on her clammy face, trying to collect her scattered thoughts.

She knew it was probably best if she told Bastila about her odd dream. When she'd first met the Jedi, she'd had a strange vision of Bastila's final confrontation with Revan… Perhaps that was what this dream was: another vision of Bastila's previous battles, shown to Evie by the Force. Though, why the Force would be showing her these things eluded her. After al, what did a Jedi fighting the Sith Lord have to do with her? Or the battles that Bastila had been in? She had her own encounters in the war to think about, why should she ponder the Jedi Princess' as well?

Evie patted her face dry with a corner of her sheet, beginning to feel rather weary. She was so _sick_ of the Force these days. It was always the will of the Force this and by the power of the Force that! Boy, would she be glad when they dropped Bastila on Dantooine and headed for a vacation somewhere nice… _Like Naboo._

Eve had never tried to deny the flicker of the Force inside of her, not once, but this was getting a bit ridiculous. She learned too much about the Jedi in her days to try to reject the link she had. It was too convenient. She'd had unmatched skills at Pazaak as soon as she picked up the deck, always having an uncanny hunch about what was in her opponent's hand. And her battle instinct, when she could easily predict her foe's next move. Not only predict the move, but know exactly where the blade would have made contact or the blaster bolt would have hit. There was also the matter of her skills of persuasion. She just had to turn on her charm, just a small taste, and there was hardly anything anyone would refuse her. It was all too convenient to be a fluke.

There was no refuting her connection to the Force… but did this touch of the Force mean that there was more than a simple acquaintanceship between herself and Bastila? Or was it simply the Force-sensitive part of her responding to the connection Bastila had to the Force?

Evie turned the 'fresher light out and stepped into the hull with a small sigh. She allowed the sheet a bit of slack, letting the air breeze across her back once more, calming herself. As she turned toward the hall that led to her quarters, Evie heard a sharp hiss from the shadows behind her. Turning to face the interloper, she was surprised to find Canderous Ordo staring at her. She let out the breath she'd been holding in a huff, relaxing instantly upon seeing the Mandalorian.

"What were you doing in the cockpit?" she asked, realizing the direction Canderous was coming from.

"Wanted to see if Republic had fallen asleep at the wheel yet." he retorted, smirking. "What happened?"

She furrowed her brow a moment before comprehending what he meant. He was talking about her back. _Of course._ Giving him a small smile, she turned her back, heading toward her bunk once more.

"Long story." she murmured, casting him a look over her shoulder as her hair fell softly into her eyes.

She made it one step closer to the doorway before he grasped her by the arm, turning her to face him fully.

"I'd like to hear it."

Eve gave him a grim smile. She'd known he would. Even if he hadn't wanted to hear the story, he would have asked. It was his way of getting back at her for asking about his battle stories, his own special way of turning the tables on her.

"Since you asked." she assented, sitting gently on the edge of the communications desk. "It was about, ah, three years ago now, I guess. One of my first missions in this war. I was doing a recovery for the Republic to find a kidnapped logistics officer. He'd been taken by a few of the Sith apprentices that we'd been tracking. He, of course, knew everything about the operations the Republic had set up on the small planet**.** We had to rescue him before our position was compromised, or the only other option would be to terminate him and his captors."

Canderous nodded. Standard Republic protocol for hostage situations, he supposed.

"We made it to the Sith's headquarters easily enough… but the offer was dead. He'd held out as long as he could, but in the end it was too much. They killed him for not giving them the information they wanted. My team had spread out through the compound… I couldn't get them on my commlink… They all died that night. I was captured…"

_Eve moved through the halls of the compound, trying desperately to get a reply from her squad members. Nothing. The same way it had been for the past twenty tries. She felt a knot growing in the pit of her stomach. Fear. She was all alone, she knew it, but that wasn't the reason for her fear._

_She stopped short of the door leading to a torture cell. There, on the floor, was Orin Kast. She froze, not only in her movements, but in everything. Her heart, her thoughts, her life… Time itself had failed to continue on when Eve saw Orin crumpled on the cold duracrete floor._

_Blood. It was _everywhere_. She felt the bile rising in her throat as she leaned to touch him, her fallen comrade. She was on her knees before she knew what had happened, cradling the man's head in her arms. She rocked his limp body back and forth, sobs quaking through her frame with surprising fierceness. Her screams echoed through the compound, wretched and terrifying._

_She didn't care anymore. Not about anything. Her world had ended when she saw his lifeless form. Those twinkling green eyes void of any of his usual joviality. He was gone… Really and truly gone._

"He was your lover."

It wasn't a question. Eve looked up at Canderous once more. She'd been fiddling with her fingers during the telling of her story. She gave a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

"Of course," she whispered, her voice carefully devoid of emotion. "And he was beautiful in every sense of the word."

Canderous let her silence encase them, unwilling to break the reverence of her memories. She did it for him.

"_Nu kyr'adyc, shi taab'echaaj'la_." ¹

He smirked, nodding. "Didn't know you spoke the native tongue."

"Had a run-in with more than one Mando'ad. Had to learn the language so I could insult them properly."

_The Sith found her in Orin's cell not long after she'd discovered her lover's body. She was still holding him._

_Eve didn't cry after that. She didn't scream when they beat her, didn't cry, didn't make a sound but for the occasional whimper. She didn't give in. She took her torture just like the other soldiers would have. She took her abuse with the knowledge that five people had died needlessly because she wasn't a good enough leader._

_She was half naked, starved, and near dead when the Jedi rescued her from the compound. She couldn't walk for weeks. The blood loss would have killed her sooner, had the Sith not kept feeding her life force just enough to keep her alive._

_Now all she had were her memories, her regrets, and the scars that reminded her of the entire thing._

"Let me see them."

Eve turned her bare back to the Mandalorian, revealing her scars to him. There were many long, white scars crossing from her right shoulder to the lower left part of her back. Her captor was definitely right-handed. There were circular scars, as well, about five centimeters in diameter. They were red and much angrier than the others.

"The overseer… he liked his cigarras. Liked using me as an ash tray, too." she explained, knowing the circles must have seemed strange.

Eve stiffened as Canderous trailed a finger along one of the more prominent scars, tracing it.

"It was a vibrowhip. Ten lashes or so a day."

Canderous pulled his hand back slowly, watching as she turned back to face him. Her face was grim, a far cry from her usual nonchalance. She was still hurting. He could tell.

"Never had a steady woman," he admitted, "came close once… I ran out of credits, though."

He chuckled at his own joke and Eve joined him. "Aw, you aren't that bad looking, Mando."

She let her laughter fade as she noticed how close she was to him. He was half an arm's reach from her, and she wasn't so sure that was a good or bad thing.

"I should get to sleep." she insisted, standing slowly.

"Right." he agreed, his gruff voice businesslike again.

"G'night, Canderous."

"Goodnight Evie."

As Eve slipped into her quarters almost an hour after she left, she suddenly got the feeling that she and Canderous hadn't been alone. The feeling as enhanced by the shuffling of feet coming up behind her. She spun around to see Carth standing in the doorway.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice low.

"Nothing," he whispered. "I was just… uhm, checking on you three."

"Why?"

"Because… I overheard you and Canderous in the hull."

"Why were you listening to our conversation?" she asked, pushing him out of the doorway and moving them further down the hall between the dormitories.

"I, I was… curious?"

"Curious about _what_ exactly?"

"About how anyone could have that many markings on her skin!" he snapped. "Especially someone that's 'just a soldier.' I've never seen any regular soldier with scars that malicious."

"You've probably never met a soldier that survived the Sith interrogation techniques." she countered, brow raised haughtily.

"Regardless—"

"No, not _regardless_." she bit out. "Either believe me or don't. I'm tired of your little mood swings."

Eve turned to leave, but Carth grabbed her arm. "_Don't_."

She looked down at his fingers wrapped gently around her upper arm and followed it up to his dark eyes. She flushed red when she saw that look he gave her. He was concerned, but there was an intensity there… Like he could burn her up with just that look… Evie shifted her gaze down to the hand she had grasping the edge of her sheet.

"Goodnight, Carth." she said softly, almost not hearing herself as she said the words.

"Goodnight, Eve."

She crawled into her bunk finally, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Dreams that came to her that night were confusing, still. Though they were most certainly her own, she dreamed of Carth and Canderous in a gladiator ring, fighting for the ownership of her whilst Bastila played referee. Mission and Zalbaar were spectators and T3-M4 was her master.

Very strange. Very standard for Eve, though.

**AN:** ¹ - "Not gone, merely marching far away." (Mandalorian phrase for the departed)


	3. Shock

_A sigh escapes. She gasps as he enters her. She is scared. She is happy. She feels complete. But, she is sad, scared. She wonders if he feels the same… He does, but says all they need,_ really_, is each other. She cries, tears falling down her cheeks in steady steams. She feels the burn of shame deep in her chest, causing her breath to come shallow. Sleep comes eventually, curled under his arm._

Eve breathed easily once the _Hawk _touched down. She'd finally been able to get off the ship and take a long walk, get some fresh air… Get away from a certain good-looking pilot. She'd been avoiding said pilot ever since their dispute about his eavesdropping. Eve avidly found herself talking with Bastila or consoling Mission, trying to find some sort of peace again after everything on Taris.

The Jedi woman had mentioned that Dantooine was supposed to be a place of healing, spiritual and physical alike. She was right in pointing out that healing was something that everyone on the _Ebon Hawk_ could use. Though it was only faint, she could feel Mission's pain every time she came near. Even Canderous seemed a little reluctant to talk about Taris.

Eve sighed, stepping out of her dorm, thoughts of Canderous setting off another wave of anxiety in her. Carth, with his constant paranoia and obvious soft-spot for her, was one thing to be bothered with. Canderous, though… He was another breed altogether.

That Mandalorian boldness was what had her head reeling. He would've kissed her that night in the main hold, had she not left. After not even a month of knowing her, he would've done one of the most intimate things with her. She smiled at that word—_intimate_—as if they were talking about sex and not the pressing together of two sets of lips. A kiss, especially one that never came, was not something she saw as intimate.

Evie jumped as she banged her boot into a doorframe, effectively startling her from her reverie. What was with her getting lost in thought lately? Shrugging off her previous thoughts, she stepped out of the ship onto Dantooine's surface, breathing in the scent of fresh air for the first time since Taris, though she didn't know how _fresh_ the airs of Taris could be.

"Eve!"

She turned her head to see Carth coming towards her. So much for finally getting away from their awkward silence. "Yeah?"

"Bastila wanted to speak with you. She's in the Jedi Council's chambers. I'll show you the way."

She sighed, disappointment rising in her chest. She'd been hoping for a bit of time for relaxation in the fields outside the Enclave, not to be holed up with a bunch of Jedi for the remainder of her stay on Dantooine.

Carth walked ahead of her, through the halls of the Enclave, their footsteps echoing in the all but empty passages. She began counting to herself how many times his blaster bounced against his hip. _48… 49… 50…_

"Eve?" he began uncertainly, glancing over his shoulder.

_51… 52…_

"Yeah, Carth?"

_53… 54… 55…_

"I'm, ah, I'm sorry about — about the other night."

_56… 57…_

"You shouldn't be so nosy, Carth," she chided, losing count. "It was none of your business what Canderous and I were discussing."

He stopped suddenly and turned to face her, an incredulous look on his face. This wasn't going to end well, she could tell.

"_None of my business?_ Excuse me, but I think anything that goes on between you and the MANDALORIAN WAR MONGER that may end up with me as a corpse is definitely MY BUSINESS!"

"Are you _fracking serious_, Onasi?" she snapped, eyes blazing. "You are honestly so insecure and _paranoid_ that you think at any moment Canderous and I will unveil this big plot to murder you in your sleep?!"

"Why shouldn't I? It isn't like you've exactly been open with your intent or anything! And if you think I'm gonna wait around to end up dead, or worse, then you've got another thing comin', sister!"

"Go take a long walk on a short pier, Onasi, I'll find my own way!"

Storming off, Eve began to sincerely hope that the Jedi had something interesting to say. This day wasn't going well at all.

After being accosted by a Jedi woman with serious respect to the Jedi dress code, Evelyn eventually made her way to the Council chambers, fuming still. Standing outside was a smug-looking Carth. As she paused at the door to calm herself, he jerked his thumb towards the Jedi gathered within.

"They're waiting for you inside."

She snarled under her breath at the thick-headed pilot and stomped into the Council's chambers. As she entered, a purple twi'lek began the introductions.

"What do you want from me?" she asked, not feeling like having a long discussion on the matter.

"Bastila tells us you a strong in the Force—"

"No, no, she's—"

"We are considering you for Jedi training."

"… What do you mean strong in the Force?"

The crotchety-looking old man went on to say that the other Master might be too hasty. Despite his condescending tone, Evelyn had to wonder if he was right in his questioning. She'd heard tales from Jedi during the war of how difficult life had been trying to focus on a task for the greater good when all you wanted was to live. She'd been fighting her whole life… Did she really want to get caught up in a Jedi conflict _now?_

Then the old man carried on, listing the difficulties of Jedi training. She felt annoyance rise as he basically said she was too old for instruction. Too old! She was 35 years old, for frack's sake. She'd seen and done more than the Jedi princess, yet they wanted to say she wasn't competent enough.

"I am perfectly capable of completing training! My age has nothing to do with it."

"Such pride! Such _arrogance_…"

Bastila led the way out of the chambers, Eve trailing slightly behind. She was still in shock over what she'd said to the Jedi Masters. Why had she defended her abilities when she didn't even want to be caught up in a fight that wasn't her own? When she wanted peace and security and a home?

She sighed, deciding that Master Vrook was correct in his opinion that she was proud. Too proud to let a grouchy old Jedi be right in assuming she was less than likely to be successful if she had to take on Jedi training. She'd gotten herself in quick a pickle now…

Then again, she'd never have been in that room to defend herself if Bastila hadn't opened her big mouth in the first place about her 'affinity to the Force.' She jogged to catch up with the young woman.

"Why did you tell them I was strong in the Force, Shan?"

She looked over to her companion with confusion. "Because it's the truth!"

"Yeah, well the truth is also that you lost your damn lightsaber and couldn't handle a few Vulkar slugs! I bet you didn't mention that little tidbit, though, did you?" Eve snapped, striding quickly towards the Ebon Hawk.

Bastila caught up quickly, ruining her dramatic exit. "Why are you so angry, Evelyn? All I did was to tell the truth!"

"You told a truth that was none of your business! I told you to leave it alone, to leave me and my _affinity_ out of whatever little plans for the galaxy you and your Jedi friends have. I don't want to wage war and slaughter the bad guys anymore," she said, her voice quiet and calm, pleading for the young woman to understand. "I want a home and a garden; a family to raise and care for. I want to live a _life_, not just an existence."

With those words she ducked into the ship and headed to the hangar. She felt like fixing something.

Eve sighed, wiping her brow and placing her vibroblade down next to Mission's. She'd been so engrossed in her work upgrading and repairing that she'd forgotten herself… forgotten all life around her, as a matter of fact. She looked over her shoulder at Canderous.

He wasn't there.

She listened for any sound throughout the ship. Nothing. Not a sound, but a bit of noise from the 'fresher. Probably just Mission getting a bit of water. Mumbling to herself, she realized that the rest of her crew must have been in their respective bunks by now. She cleaned up her station and tucked all the weapons away before making her way to the cockpit. All that time trying to avoid thoughts of Bastila, the Jedi, and their offer had given her time to think about her encounter with Canderous, subsequently leading to thoughts on Carth.

She'd come to the conclusion that she'd overreacted, as was her custom as of late. She had been so on-edge lately, after the trouble on Taris tracking down Bastila and then the planet's destruction. Now the unfeeling Mando'ad seemed to hold affection for her, and the Republic pilot had deemed himself her protector and prosecutor in one contradicting swoop. Was it any wonder she'd bitten his head off? He was being a stubborn, pig-headed imbecile at any rate.

She sighed. This little tidbit didn't change the fact that she'd been overreacting. Of course he'd be wary of the horrible scars on her back and her conversing with a 'war monger'.

She eased just inside the doorway of the cockpit, smirking as she saw the pilot leaned far back in his chair. He had his feet propped up on the control board and a slack expression painted his face as he slumbered. She suppressed a laugh as he snorted in his sleep, reaching her hand forward to wake him.

"_Carth_," she murmured, her face a few inches from his ear. Her fingers touched the soft, worn fabric covering his shoulder as she shook him awake.

A soft, befuddled M_mm_? was his witty replays he turned to face her. His eyes were small slits as he regarded her in the soft light of Dantooine's moons. She gave him a smirky little smile in reply.

"Carth, I—"

"Damn, you're beautiful…" he breathed, interrupting her apology.

Eve's eyebrows shot up to her hairline with Carth's drowsy revelation. Her stunned mind barely had time to register this much when he snaked a hand up to grip the base of her skull and pulled her even closer. His mouth pressed over hers passionately, like a drunk tasting Tarisian ale after years sober.

Eve felt butterflies in her stomach as the kiss deepened, their tongues gliding swiftly over each other as they explored, memorizing every crease and crevice. She moaned and leaned into him as he suckled her lower lip. Reaching his arm around her waist, Carth pulled her up into his lap and began caressing her back while still gripping the base of her skull gently. She moaned again and rested her hands on his shoulders, her fingernails digging lightly into his shirt.

Her mind was a whirl of color; sparkling lights had somehow appeared behind her eyelids. His lips were the first she had tasted since all those years ago with Orin and his shining emerald eyes. His mouth was tinged with the taste of alcohol, obviously filched from the cargo hold. She groaned as the flavor danced on her palate. Gripping his shirt to hold him closer, she relished in the feeling of his body pressed tightly to her own.

Gasping for air, Eve pulled away and looked away from him, shock coloring her cheeks a bright red. Had she just been pashing with Onasi in the cockpit? She glanced back at his face; his eyes were alight with lust and lips were swollen. She decided that she most certainly _had_ been pashing with Carth Onasi in the cockpit of their ship.

She straightened up and pushed him away as she jumped off of his lap. She sprinted down the hallway, bumping her shoulder on something solid in the darkness of the ship. She didn't stop her hurried departure until she arrived at her shared dorm, silently hoping Carth wouldn't follow her.

_Sonofasith! _she thought, biting her lip. How had her life gotten so fracking complicated?


	4. Harmony

**Emotions**

**Harmony**

_Soft fingertips brushed the flesh of her wrist as he slipped the glove onto her hand. She felt a tingle shimmy its way down her spine. She loved his hands; the supple pads of his fingertips, the smooth and unscarred surface of his palms…_

_She moved from him after the glove was fastened around her wrist, bending her fingers reflexively._

"_Are you certain?"_

_The question hung in the air like a cluster of dust particles. Floating lazily on the breeze created by his breath, it reached her a beat too late. Her answer —"Of course,"— did not console his apprehension as it usually would. He sighed and held out a hand to stop her from placing the mask on her face._

"_Are you certain?"_

Eve jerked awake, a sudden stomach-turning nervousness coming over her. She looked at her hands, taking in the sweaty palms and quivering fingers. _No gloves. _She sighed. It had all felt so _real_, though… The soft, pliable fabric of the glove sliding over her flesh, the touch from this beautiful man; it was all too real.

Another shaky sigh escaped her lips and she ran a hand through her sweat-soaked hair. It became tangled in the kinks and twists that usually appeared during her slumber. Eve leaned back slowly, letting her head hit the pillow softly before drifting into sleep again.

The next morning, Evie didn't remember the odd dream. She didn't remember the overwhelming, irrational feeling of anxiety, either. She _did_ remember another dream, one featuring the same beautiful man and a masked figure exploring some very strange ruins.

"…_We can never go back. The Order will surely banish us…"_

She shivered as the words echoed in her mind, their meaning weighing heavily upon her. These two, they were Jedi. Why was everything around her lately revolving around the whims of the Jedi and their Order? Why were they so significant _now_, when she'd lived 35 years before without much more than mentioning them in passing?

Wrapping her arms around herself to fight off a sudden strange chill, she stepped off the ship and into the warm early morning light of Dantooine's sun. Carth stood waiting for her. She felt herself pale as she remembered last night's events.

"This morning's getting stranger by the minute. First Bastila comes out looking like she saw a ghost, and now you."

She ran a hand through her hair and muttered an explanation, obviously too low for him to hear as he continued on. Did he not remember? Was he too plastered on whatever ale he'd filched to remember their kiss as more than a strange dream? Somehow, she felt a strange sense of sadness at the thought.

"Well, anyways, Bastila did mention that you should go to the Council chambers before she left. It's no doubt something urgent, so you shouldn't keep 'em waiting."

"Anything else?"

"No… She didn't seem well, as I recall… and for that matter neither do you. Are you alright?"

"Rough night. Let's go, fly boy."

As they entered the chambers, the Masters began speaking of visions and bonds and more of their Jedi propaganda than her still sleep-fogged brain could handle so early in the day. Eve did manage to get the gist of it, which included her having a strange Force bond with Bastila and their mission to investigate the ruins from their shared dream.

"You have a strong affinity with the Force. With such power comes great responsibility… and danger… You may wish to deny what you are, but the Council cannot turn a blind eye."

_Of course you can't, _she thought. It seemed these Jedi didn't have the ability to do anything that would make life easy for the nonmembers of their order.

"It seems I have no choice…"

* * *

Stepping out of the Council room and into the inner courtyard of the Enclave, Eve felt the weight of everything she'd gone through settle between her shoulder blades and make its nest there.

Whatever happened to getting out of the fast lane and finding a place to call home? She'd found a home alright, and it was the _Ebon Hawk_. She'd never have anything constant in her life again.

Not now. Now that she was a fracking _Jedi Apprentice!_

She felt a frustrated tear trickle from the corner of her eye and quickly wiped it away. She wouldn't cry like a spoiled child just because this wasn't going her way. So what if the _Endar Spire_ was supposed to be her last mission; so what if she'd spend two pointless months or more on Taris? And now she was going to become a Jedi, with or without her own consent on the matter.

But she was a soldier, and soldiers didn't cry. Soldiers sucked it up and kept on going.

She bit back a sigh and wondered if she'd made a mistake in her choice of career.

"Excuse me, Eve?"

She looked up from the ground as they walked and turned her head to Bastila.

"I know this must be hard…"

_You have no idea._

"… but this is for the best. You're a Force-sensitive, Eve, and that's nothing to sneeze at."

"From what I hear, the Force flows through all things, Miss Shan," she said as they stepped onto the ship. "And there have been rumors of the _Kath hounds_ being bothered by a disturbance in the Force... It's nothing to sneeze at, even though any common animal could sense it as much as I?"

"That's not tr—"

"Don't worry; I'm stuck with it now, thanks to you. I do hope you didn't expect me to be happy about this. I may be a soldier, Shan, but I'm not all about war and battle. I'm ready for peace and quiet. For a piece of land to live out the rest of my life in a dull, unassuming existence. Why is _your_ war _my_ problem?"

"Evelyn! How can you be so—?"

"Just drop it. I'm no deserter. I'm in this now, right? So I'll be here until the job is done. Just leave me alone."

Eve felt the frustration boiling in her chest and decided she needed some sort of release. She'd never been one prone to such anger or such strong outbursts of passionate feelings, but lately the Jedi were more of a hazard to her emotional balance than a help. Breathing deeply, already practicing Jedi techniques, Eve continued on her way to the hangar.

"Hey there, hot lips."

She jumped as the rough voice spoke from the darkness of the room, interrupting her fuming thoughts. "Canderous?" she asked, catching her breath.

He stepped out from behind the swoop bike, setting down his hydrospanner and moving toward her. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness around her, she felt a knot form in her tummy. She could just barely make out the look on Canderous' face, but what she'd seen thus far didn't look good.

"Have a good sleep last night?" he asked, his eyes dull with apathy.

"I-I guess… Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fan-fracking-tastic."

Evie eyed him uneasily before she moved to the work bench. As she searched for an item to upgrade, she heard his snide voice.

"You fixed everything last night, girl; why don't you go bother Onasi?"

She turned to look at him, her brow furrowed. "_What_ is your _problem?_"

"My problem?" he snapped, stepping ever closer to her. "Well, doll face, the problem is that this annoying little knucklehead with a case of homesickness will never leave me alone in my hangar to work! And she decides she wants to follow me all around my ship and tell me about her past at all hours of the night!"

Evelyn stared up into his steel-colored eyes in shock, hurt and embarrassment burning her cheeks an angry shade of red. "How _dare_ you! I told you all that because you asked! And this isn't _your_ ship, it's _mine_! I'll be in any room or section of it whenever I want for as long as I want! And if you'd like the same privilege, as well as food, water, and a working 'fresher, I'd shut my fracking mouth and put that hydrospanner back to work!"

She spun away from him, heading back out into the hall, when his strong fingers wrapped around her arm, effectively stopping her retreat. "You know what the worst thing is, though? That she shrugged it off when I went to kiss her, but then went and slurped face with a pilot too wasted to even know her from a kath hound," he hissed, his eyes narrow and cold. "You aren't important enough to remember, _girl_."

Eve yanked her arm from his grasp, her face burning an even brighter with humiliation at his words. She glared at him, all the evil words directed at him swirling in her mind before she stalked into the hall and onward to the cockpit.

"Scum-sucking, farkle-faced chubba!" she murmured vehemently. "_Mir'osik_! ¹ _Di'kut_! ²"

The nerve of that bastard! How could she have ever thought he was any brand of civil human being? She smacked her hand to her hip in frustration. She could be so naïve about people sometimes. Even in the beginning with Orin she'd assumed he just wanted to be friends. What was Canderous' problem, though? Could she really have been bothering him that much? Did she really insult him by kissing Carth? _And why did Carth tell him about it __anyways__?_

She paused in her stride just outside of the doorway, thinking of Carth's behavior that morning; how he didn't seem at all awkward or tense the way she did. Then she thought of Canderous' words again. _Holy frack, _she thought suddenly.

Carth didn't remember their kiss.

"But then how did Canderous know?" she whispered, turning from the doorway and stepping inside the communications room. She leaned against the wall, thinking of any possible conclusion, when she heard a voice from the cockpit.

"Carth?"

"Yes, Bastila?

"Have you noticed anything odd about Evelyn lately?" There was a pause then, as though Bastila's question was startling, though even Eve knew there was logic behind it. "That is, she seems very volatile and — I dunno — _unstable?_"

She heard a cough and assumed it was Carth's way of stalling. "Well, Bastila, she really is under a lot of pressure these days."

"Pressure?" The young woman seemed to find the concept preposterous. "What kind of pressure can _she_ be under? I mean, _I'm_ the one who was kidnapped by a gang, dragged all over that filthy planet, holed up with a Wookie and a Twi'lek brat, and _I'm_ the one that the Council expected — and _still_ expects — to hold things together!"

Evelyn felt her jaw hit the floor as Bastila's whiney tirade came to a close. _That little snot! I'll show her who's under pressure! _She launched herself into the hall way, but Carth responded before she had a chance to jump in. She hung back on the edge of the doorframe, out of sight still, but still close enough to hear.

"Wow, Bastila, that's a mature way to go about things, isn't it? 'My problems are bigger than yours, so get over it.' Very nice, very understanding… very Jedi of you," he retorted. "It isn't stress from others so much as it's just a strain on her mental health. I'm not sure you dragging her off into the Council Chambers every five minutes is all that good for her, either. She needs rest, some peace and quiet."

Eve bit her lip, trying to stop the flutter in her belly. Who knew Carth was so receptive?

"Well, Carth, with all due respect, what the council says to Evelyn and I isn't any of your concern."

Eve took the rebuff as a chance to break up their conversation before things got escalated. Knocking on the doorframe, she stepped into the room before either of the pair realized she'd been listening the entire time. "Hate to break you lovebirds up, but I need to borrow Bastila for a while."

Bastila looked startled at this announcement, nodding her head and opening and closing her mouth like an angry Selkath. Or, maybe that had something to do with her use of the word 'lovebirds'. Evelyn rolled her eyes at the younger woman and guided her out of the cockpit before she threw a small smile at Carth over her shoulder.

As she stepped into the hallway, she knew somehow that Carth understood that smile. Simultaneously, she remembered her hasty exit from the previous night. She remembered hitting her shoulder on something in the darkness of the passage, but being too caught up to worry over it.

"_Canderous_," she whispered, shock and humiliation coloring her cheeks. _He was outside the room, _watching_ us the whole time… watching _me_… No wonder he's so stung about it… it wasn't my fault… _He _kissed _me_… _She shuddered; feeling somehow violated knowing that Canderous had observed something so intimate and private… it mad her sick to think of.

"What was that, Evelyn?"

Snapping out of it, Evie shook her head. "Nothing, Bastila… nothing."

"What did you need to talk about then?" she asked as they exited the ship.

Evelyn searched for a topic in her whirling mind. "Meditation," she finally settled on. "I know I've been all over the place lately with my moods… I need peace, Bastila. Do you understand?"

As the words tumbled from her mouth, she felt the tiredness of admitting a great and terrible truth rush through her limbs. She was dropping the façade, giving up a well-rehearsed act. She wasn't going to keep being irate until she keeled over. She either had to learn to control her emotions — for her own good, not to please the Order — and let the past go, or she would self-destruct.

Bastila seemed to sense this sincerity in Eve's words. "Yes, I understand perfectly," she replied with a nod. "Come with me to the courtyard then. I'll help you."

The pair walked in silence through the Enclave, though Evie couldn't bring herself to call it awkward. It seemed that with her understanding of Eve's need for peace Bastila found a desire to teach her the ways of finding this serenity. As they stepped through the doors, past the sentry droid, Eve felt the scents of sweet grass and wild flowers tickle her nose. The saccharine smells took her mind back to the far away planet of Deralia… to home.

They rounded the corner and Bastila led her to a rounded section with benches around the border. The courtyard was devoid of life with the exception of an older Jedi man taking a stroll.

"Let's sit," she began, settling herself on the ground before the center bench and motioning Eve to do the same. "Meditation is best done in a safe and quiet environment. It usually works best for me in a natural setting, like a garden or here, in the courtyard, so close to the grasslands of Dantooine.

"This position is the most common pose for meditation — the Lotus." As she said this, Bastila pulled her feet up to rest upon her knees, with the soles toward the sky. "It is a little difficult if you aren't so flexible, but it will become more comfortable with time."

Eve mimicked her movements and smiled as she realized how natural the position felt.

"Now close your eyes and listen to my voice," Bastila continued, her tone soothing and placid. "Breathe in deeply and think of nothing but my voice, my words… Everything else is unimportant, inconsequential. Clear your thoughts, quiet the mind.

"Now feel the breeze brushing you skin. Smell the fresh, clean scent of the grass, the earthy soil… Think of the breeze on you cheek rippling through the blades of tall grass, not disturbing the harmony, but becoming a part of it, becoming one. Become the breeze now; flow and dance with the grass…"

Evelyn listened to Bastila's voice as the other woman mesmerized her, visions of the countryside dancing behind her eyelids. She continued her steady breathing, lost in the images Bastila painted for her. Gradually, though, she began to quiet herself, her last words hanging in the air as they both sat in the stillest quiet Evelyn had ever known.

She felt it then, what all the Jedi she'd ever met always told her of… the strong tranquility of the Force. Not her usual 'touch,' but something bigger. It filled up her chest, her limbs, her mind, and her heart… it sewed up her emotional wounds from the last weeks of her life, healing her insides to be as unscathed as the outside. She felt somehow whole, as though she'd been missing this vital piece her whole life, but had never known it.

It was beautiful.

* * *

As seems to be my trademark, I threw some Mandalorian in this chapter. Here are the meanings:

¹ _Mir'osik_ - something undesirable where your brains ought to be, i.e. "Dung for brains"

² D_i'kut_ (dee-KOOT) - a foolish, idiotic, useless individual (severe); context-dependent:can mean jerk, moron, idiot, etc. (sometimes vulgar)

For more _Mando'a_, check out .com/wiki/Mando'a.


	5. Madness

**_Emotions_**

**_Madness_**

"_And all you're hearing is your own echoes, echoes_

_And I'm gone and you're all alone_

_Can't you hear the echoes, echoes_

_No one to hear you, there's nobody near you..._"

- "Echoes" by Gorilla Zoe ft. Diddy

* * *

After their meditation in the gardens, Eve had decided to stay in the enclave dormitories with Bastila as her roommate. The kiss was still unspoken of between herself and Carth, and that awkwardness, coupled with the tension since her fight with Canderous, was too much to have on her mind with her Jedi training to focus on. Bastila's company didn't seem to offer nearly as many dramatics as the men's did, which was ridiculously ironic.

Eve had neglected to mention having overheard the conversation between Carth and Bastila to anyone, opting instead to forgive and forget the young woman's bratty ways. Who could really blame her for her feelings and immature actions when the Jedi seemed to rely so heavily on her alone to win the war.

The Jedi. Evelyn suppressed an eye-roll at the thought. How could she let herself fall into the ranks of these emotionally stunted individuals? Always pushing aside their feelings and unique thoughts in favor of the standard Jedi reactions. They were clones, so restricted and brainwashed by their elders that they'd believe anything they were told. Ridiculous...

But how had she fallen in line with them, then? It had only been a week since her admittance and already she found herself studying and practicing their ways in lieu of trying to figure out what the next step was for herself, Mission and Zalbaar. Carth had been clear in his intentions to head back to Republic Headquarters and jump on the next mission afforded to him. She couldn't help the knot that formed in her stomach at the thought of him going away. They'd been constant companions on Taris for over a month, figuring out their next move in the race to find Bastila... It would be strange not having him along to be all suspicious and crazy.

It was Canderous, however, that she was beginning to think she could do without. Things between them were still unresolved, as seemed to be the story of her life lately. She'd realized by now that he had some sort of feelings for her, but rather doubted they were anything more than unresolved sexual tension. He was too much of a Mandalorian to ever have real feelings for a woman. (Ridiculous nonsense. Who could ever be with a man like that? She'd never understand how the Mando'a women did it.) Another thought that occurred to her was that they hadn't know each other very long at all. What right did he have to get so upset with her? This point only further fueled her belief that sex was his primary motivation, coupled with too much testosterone on her ship.

_Another good reason to join Bastila in the dorms_, she thought, smiling to herself as she shrugged her duffel bag off her shoulder and onto her bunk in the Enclave dormitory. She wasn't necessarily _excited_ about the new sleeping arrangements, but it had to be better than dealing with her current testosterone-driven situation on a daily basis.

Later in the day, Evelyn found herself finally getting around to reading one of the many datapads journaling some sort of plight of the Republic or the Jedi or... something. She'd lost interest after the first paragraph, feeling like she'd either read or heard all of it before. She'd never been one to forget information once it was given, so repetition wasn't really her learning method of choice. Considering she knew Bastila was likely to quiz her on the material once she returned from yet another meeting with the Council, however, Eve continued to skim over the text, absently taking notes in her head on key events.

The text began to blur as she stared at the datapad in her hands. Blinking, she tried to focus her eyes again, intent on completing her reading tonight but knowing she was fighting a losing battle. Everything was so boring, so repetitive, so pointless... She knew this all already, didn't she? She did... she already... knew...

_"It's kind of late to be studying, don't you think?"_

She lifted her head from its place on the desk, her eyes scanning the darken library for the source of the voice. Rows of records were all that met her searching gaze. There was no one here, not a soul, just her. What had she heard? "And it's a little rude to sneak around and scare your friends, don't you think?" she asked quietly, the words falling unbidden from her lips.

_What the hell?_

_"And it's still too late for you to be reading those same texts."_

"And last time I checked, you were not my mother." Again, she responded to this ghostly voice, this hauntingly, tauntingly familiar voice, with words she can't control.

_"And last time _I_ checked," _There was a pause as she felt strong fingers wrap around her wrist. _"You were still in hot water from the last time you stayed up into the wee hours of the morning _'studying.' _You know you're going to be exhausted, _again_, and I'll have to cover for you, _again_."_

"And we both know that went over so well last time," she murmured absently, all the inflection and tone lost from her voice as she looked down to her wrist, lying limply on the desktop. There was no hand there. There was nothing. She was alone.

She was losing it.

_"Just go back to your dorm and get some rest."_ She felt the phantom hand slip away. _"I'll see you in the morning, Ev."_

Eve pushed herself abruptly up out of the chair and, not even bothering to put away her materials, she left. Her face was a mask of calm as she passed a few straggling Padawans and apprentices in the halls. She gave nothing away of her emotions, even suppressing them from her own scrutiny as she made her way to the corner of the long corridor her dormitory was on. She paused there, knowing Bastila was there. She could _feel_ her there, waiting for her to return and be quizzed over her "newly acquired" knowledge, and Eve couldn't handle that right now...

Not after holding a conversation with _no one. _Not after feeling those same strong, agile fingers from her dreams on her wrist. Not after hearing that eerie voice call her 'Ev'. Not when the only one who ever, _ever_ called her that was...

Was who? _Who_ was it? It been there, on the tip of her tongue, just a moment before. But now the name, the face, everything, was lost in a sea of worried thoughts. How, though? How had she forgotten them as quickly as she'd remembered? Why was remembering so important? _So you know they're real! So you know you aren't crazy! _She rather thought that ship had sailed, however, when she began talking to thin air and letting replies pass from her mouth without thought, like a player reading a script. And yet, they somehow were still so full of meaning even when recited in her monotonous way.

She was crazy. She'd finally lost her mind.

_She felt his eyes on her before he spoke, as it always was when he was around. His heavy gaze was never something to be ignored, even when you couldn't exactly see it. She knew he was observing her, watching her for the same tell-tale signs that usually accompanied her late night study sessions._

"Eve?"

_She turned and looked up at him, one side of her mouth curling into a slow smirk. "I told you I'd be fine. I'm not even tired."_

"Eve?"

_"You worry too much, Squint."_

There was a hand on her again, this time wrapped around her upper arm. She turned her head, relief spreading through her as she met Bastila's eyes. She looked around her and realized she was still standing at the edge of the dorm corridor. How long had she been there? Had she just been staring off again? Had she heard the voice that time? No... Had she said those things out loud?

"Who were you talking to, Evelyn?" the younger woman asked, voice wavering just a bit with the question.

It was a strange thing to have to ask, that was sure. She wasn't surprised that it was unnerving to the young Jedi. Eve wondered if she thought she was crazy or perhaps just a bit off. She was certainly feeling a bit off, hearing voices and feeling things and remembering exchanges with a man she'd never seen before in her life. No, madness seemed the most logical explanation, so surely Bastila would come to that conclusion. Eve wouldn't blame her a bit.

"Eve?"

There she was, getting lost in her head again. "Sorry, I - uh... I don't know."

Eve watched as Bastila's perfectly arched brows furrowed, her quick, silver eyes searching her face. She could practically hear the questions forming in Bastila's pretty head. _Is she lying? What is she hiding? Why is she hiding it? How does this affect the Jedi, the galaxy?_ She almost rolled her eyes, but stopped herself. Of course Bastila was going to worry! She'd found Eve talking to _no one_ in a hallway after she'd been standing there for Force only knows how long... It was more than a little disconcerting.

"Come," Bastila said finally, apparently deciding to drop the point for now and placing a guiding hand on her back. "Let's get to bed."


	6. A NOOOOTE

**Author's Note!**

Hello, darling reviewer's and silent readers:)

I've decided to take this story down for revising and reconstruction.

I'm taking it in a new direction that I'm

**VERY**_VERY_VERY

**exxxcitedddd**

about:)

And, if I do say so, it's very orginal.

You'll adore it, I'm sure.

And so, I must ask you to PM or comment

if you are interested in a continuance of this tale

and will support and love me in these trying times.

Also, I'm in need of a beta.

(PI! certification would be nice.)

w/ →Andii

-maytheforcebewithyouuu-


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